Its been a while

 So, i'm unhappy.

The reason why is a complex mash of many different things that i hope to speak of as the days follow.
No one, i imagine, is listening right now but i will still speak to you like you know me, my precious little void.
I live in China and the world is collapsing and i am sitting in a classroom alone in a school that is wholly a scam. Its walls are that awful corporate-corpse white.
I always thought that when shit got really bad that I would just pack up and start fighting, but the reality is that i find myself in is that of every million of career workers i had ever have disparaged. The world crumbles, and i keep working.
My job isn't too hard. I have at most 3 one and half hour classes a day. The issue is that i am teaching a mormon curriculum and 6 different classes (world history, USH1, USH2, Psychology, Essays, ESL) which is... nuts. For a first year high school teacher, its beyond anything i could or should do.
Now, i know this is nuts but its not the workload that i couldn't deal with but the feeling of betrayal and anger. They never told me that i would be teaching half the classes i ended up having to teach. and it was that anger that paralyzed me. unable to act on the lesson planning that i needed to do out of an fury that i had been taken for a ride by these cunts.
I've recently realised that while these people are cunts and this is infact a scam, my mentality is more of whats hurting me than their scam is.
I am as that old buddha (maybe) quote goes "holding the burning ember in hopes of throwing it at someone else". As a result i have sat and stewed thinking about how i despise being here and not being able to leave. Instead of doing what is necessary to make this life livable for me.
It is possible and i am going to do it. This blogpost, in fact is part of the way i intend to do so.

I haven't been writing. I've been telling myself that i don't have the energy and, true, some days that is true. But the vast majority of days it is not.
There is a lie in how we consume. We are told to relax with our phones, games, shows etc. Yet when we finish that consumption we are as tired or more tired than we were before.
The screen does not relax, it is endless stimulation, how could it?
Like a person sleeping well after a day of good hard labour, we all also need the time to satiate our need to create. My tiredness is not out of physical tiredness, it is out of alienation from my wishes. My emotions tire me out when i must constantly stuff them within myself just to get through the day. No screen can provide an outlet for the desire to create. To have life wrought on a page, a brush or in the heaving of ones breath.
Expect Resistance has in it a line to the effect of "Our dreams can become vampires on our souls if we do not act on them" and such is what has happened with me.
So, i am making this attempt to be happy. You will know if i succeeded if you hear from me again.